SEC Media Days could be much more entertaining

The Southeastern Conference Media Days is full of mundane questions.

Who will be the starting quarterback? How do you rebuild a defense that lost seven starters? What is it like being a first-time head coach in a conference like the SEC?

Of course, there are some questions you hope somebody would ask but nobody does. These questions – and potential answers – would make SEC Media Days much more entertaining for reporters and fans alike.

To Florida head coach Will Muschamp: How does it feel to not be Urban Meyer?

“It feels good, especially since I did not have to retire twice from the same job in less than a year. Plus it is nice not to have a quarterback that cries after a loss.”

To Mississippi State head coach Dan Mullin: How much money did the boosters offer quarterback Kiehl Frazier to come to Starkville?

“I think they only offered him enough to ensure he signed with Auburn.”

To South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier: Commissioner Mike Slive announced reforms he would like to see happen in college football, one of which was tougher academic standards. Does that worry you?

“Not at all. That just means the other programs in the conference will advance to Donald Duck coloring books…we moved up to Mickey Mouse coloring books before last season.”

To Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino: Will it be hard to replace Ryan Mallett?

“Yes, for the time being it will be. But I am hoping another disgruntled Michigan quarterback will transfer in to save our team again. That being said, I humbly invite Denard Robinson to tour our beautiful campus in Fayetteville, Ark.”

To Tennessee head coach Derek Dooley: How many times will your team grab defeat from the jaws of victory?

“Well, we have 12 games on the schedule and we have trouble counting after we get to 11, so I would say we will do that in 13 games.”

To Georgia head coach Mark Richt: “You said players will love wearing the Pro Combat uniforms against Boise State in the season opener. How much do you think the players can get if they sell those jerseys on eBay?

“The star players can get a good price. Hopefully, however, the NCAA doesn’t find out and suspend them for four games again.”

To Kentucky coach Joker Phillips: Why does Kentucky have the thickest media guide of all the SEC teams when it has the second worst football legacy, beating out only Vanderbilt?

“The athletic department wanted to save money so they combined the football and basketball guides into one publication. The football section only takes up about a quarter of the book.”

To Auburn coach Gene Chizik: Coach, this is a simple yes or no question. Does Auburn pay you by the word for being so vocal without saying anything at all when reporters ask you about various scandals involving the Auburn program?

“Well, I am not going to get into specifics, but my contract stipulates that I…”

To LSU coach Les Miles: There has been a lot of talk the last few weeks about your program’s ties to the recruiting service implicated in the Oregon scandal. Are recruiting services a good investment for a major college football program?

“Well, I had to spend the money and I wanted to re-sod the field, but Chancellor Mike Martin said it would be a waste of valuable resources since I would eat it all by midseason. He did say it would be fine to spend $6,000 on a useless DVD though.

To Alabama coach Nick Saban: The debut of your statue was delayed several times, and reports indicate the reason behind the delays were because you were not happy with how it looked. Are you pleased with the final results?

“Do you know who you are talking to? I’m Nick Saban, I’m not happy about anything.”

To Ole Miss coach Houston Nutt: Do you think the Rebels will be able to reach the SEC Championship Game in the next few years – after all, Ole Miss is the only team in the SEC Western Division not to make the trip to Atlanta?

“Are you kidding me? There is no way that will happen, the conference keeps adopting new recruiting rules to hamper my progress towards that goal. First they tell me I can’t sign 37 players each year then they tell me I can’t bring in graduate students with only one year of eligibility remaining. Well, the last rule might not be too bad. Jeremiah Masoli was a little bit of a bust. He couldn’t even lead us past Jacksonville State.”

And lastly, because his team will finish at the bottom of the SEC standings yet again, first-year Vanderbilt coach James Franklin: What are the challenges of taking over a program like Vanderbilt where the administration seriously stresses academics more than athletic success – unlike the 11 other SEC institutions?

“I’m the head coach at Vandy? Man, I got into football to get away from the nerds.”