World Series, nuclear war combine for laugh-fest
By By Tony Krausz / assistant sports editor
Oct. 24, 2004
The Rants &Rambles office just couldn't resist this one. After the Boston Red Sox won their way into the World Series, we knew we had to preview the Fall Classic set to movie quotes.
The technique is our homage to ESPN.com Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons, who is a Boston native, so it just fits. Plus, we found the perfect movie "Dr. Strangelove or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb." Now that's 93 minutes well spent.
There is no better movie than one about a crazy general "accidentally" starting a nuclear attack to preview a World Series with the Red Sox involved. Really folks, Boston winning the World Series could be a sign of the apocalypse.
So without further ado, here a few thoughts and things to look for in the best-of-seven set between the Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals set to quotes from "Dr. Stangelove." As always, (spork) will be substituted for any words not fit for a family newspaper.
For more than a year, ominous rumors had been privately circulating among high-level Western leaders that the Soviet Union had been at work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon: a doomsday device.
From the movie's opening spoken lines, this one goes to Boston's Curt Schilling. Talk about ultimate weapon, the staff ace's sock literally turned red as blood oozed out of his ankle in Game 6. Yet with one ankle, Schilling turned in a legend-making performance, allowing one run on four hits in seven innings with four strikeouts. This goes down in Yankees lore, right next to Babe Ruth calling his shot. Of course, this time its not so good for New York.
You don't think I'd ask if you recognized my voice unless it was pretty (spork) important do you? No, I don't sir, no. All right, let's see if we can stay on the ball.
To the all of the Cardinals. After dropping three games in Texas, St. Louis battled back to win its final two at home, but the Cards will not have that luxury in the World Series. With the American League winning the All-Star Game, St. Louis doesn't have home field advantage, and the Cardinals are going to have to be on the ball and win away from Busch Stadium.
Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I've every heard come over a set of earphones.
To Fox color commentator Tim McCarver. This guy is good for at least two to three of the dumbest things ever said during the course of a game every time he steps into the booth. And he turns it up a notch when the games are big.
If this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it might be, I'd say that you are all in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this thing is over with.
An all-inclusive quote for the Red Sox, if this band of "idiots" their words win the Series, there is no telling what the Boston fans will do for their team. There's a good chance the city will be renamed "Schillingtown," Damon could be voted mayor and David Ortiz could have one of Massachusetts's spots in the Senate whenever he wanted.
I don't know exactly how to put this sir, but are you aware of what a breach of security that would be? I mean, He'll see everything. He'll see the big board.
This one is for Fenway and Busch. Two stadiums that have manually operated scoreboards. So everyone can see the big board.
Shoot, a fellow could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all of that stuff.
For the city of Boston. As usual, some higher ups that run the place are overreacting and threatening to cut off alcohol sales during World Series games in the city. We are not saying you have to drink to enjoy a game, but folks are going to drink. They will stock up with enough booze to drink through three nuclear winters before the games, and they will get more drunk and disorderly because Boston officials are trying to institute prohibition. It just won't work, folks, especially in Boston.
Well, now, what happened is one of our base commanders, he had a sort of Well, he went a little funny in the head. You know, just a little funny.
From the president explaining to the Russian premier that a nuclear bomb is going to fall on the USSR, this one goes to the managers of both teams. Terry Francona and Tony La Russa are going to be questioned about every move they make in every game from here to the end. So try not to go funny in the head, boys.
Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines.
For St. Louis pitching coach Dave Duncan, he has to be thinking along these lines when he thinks about Schilling. It was already mentioned once, but the dude pitched on one leg and won. Everybody wants a pitcher like that in the rotation. Of course, that Albert Pujols guy is pretty good.
Wa-hoo! Waaaa-hoo!
From Major T.J. "King" Kong riding the bomb like a bull, this one goes to the Red Sox. After doing the impossible, coming back from a 3-0 deficit in the ALCS, this is the only logical response the team can have after they win the World Series.
Now we fade out, and hopefully, not like the A-bomb-exploding montage that caps "Dr. Strangelove."
Enjoy the show.
