By By Will Bardwell / sports writer
May 6, 2004
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Say it isn't so! Lisa Guerrero, the gorgeous "Monday Night Football" sideline reporter who endeared herself to millions of shallow, superficial, football-crazy men (like me), has been fired.
Wet-mop cleanup, aisle six. One broken heart all over the floor.
Actually, Guerrero was "reassigned," according to MNF producer Fred Gaudelli, who admitted that nobody knows where Guerrero has been reassigned. But it's a safe bet she won't be reassigned to serve me raw oysters while I watch pro football, so from here on out, my Monday nights are officially shot. And after just one year! Goodbye, Lisa. I barely knew you.
Granted, there were some really terrible games on Monday night in 2003. Remember the 49ers-Steelers game in November? How about the Broncos-Raiders game in September? They were uninteresting games without meaningful consequences, played by poorly-coached teams and staffed by unmotivated players.
But who cared? Have Lisa, will watch. I was glued to the tube every Monday night.
I freely admit that I came to the party for Lisa's good looks, and I didn't exactly stick around for the conversation. She was a moron. In her first post-game interview following the season opener between the Redskins and the Jets, Guerrero asked Washington quarterback Patrick Ramsey how it felt to play against former teammate Laveranues Coles.
Unfortunately for Lisa's reputation as a non-idiot, Ramsey and Coles had just become teammates before the start of the season. Oops.
After that, Guerrero took a beating in the national press. Newspaper columnists and talk show hosts across the country derided her. Even a couple of anchors on ESPN SportsCenter (who are actually Lisa's co-workers, in a weird mega-corporation kind of way) slammed her on live television.
I, of course, being a courteous Southern gentleman who would fight to the death to defend the honor of women, rushed to her defense. How could I not? She was a mega-hottie.
But defending her became tougher as the weeks went by. One week (possibly during a Raiders game, but don't hold me to that), Guerrero reported that a veteran offensive lineman was severely injured, and she speculated that the loss of such a valuable veteran would surely hurt his team.
John Madden quickly reminded the viewing audience that Mr. What's-His-Name played at the bottom of the depth chart, implying that Guerrero didn't know what the heck she was talking about. Nothing hurts like being reprimanded on national television by an Ace Hardware spokesman.
Madden was right, of course. She was constantly clueless. But the veteran commentator lost sight of a very important fact Lisa Guerrero was hot.
Not even Madden, my favorite sports announcer ever, could blemish Lisa in my eyes. She was more than just a pretty face. She liked football, was seriously hot, and was even more seriously stupid. She was perfect!
Think about it, gentlemen. If you go out with a girl who likes football, do you really want her to know so much about the NFL that she has the ability to debate you under the table? Or do you want to have to explain the game to her detail by detail and look really smart in the process? I rest my case.
But in the end, much to my eternal dismay, Lisa's stunning good looks weren't enough to win over her employers.
That's Gaudelli's way of saying Guerrero was just a little too stupid.
But apparently, Guerrero's most outstanding qualification her face is something that network executives like in a sideline reporter. As Guerrero's replacement, ABC has hired Michele Tafoya, whom most ESPN addicts will probably
recognize. Tafoya has been in the business for about 10 years, working everything from skiing to college basketball. She also worked as ESPN's correspondent to MNF last season.
Television savvy? Experience? What a novel idea!
And, thankfully, Tafoya is pretty good looking herself. She's also pretty sharp, but she's not drop-dead gorgeous like Lisa Guerrero.
Maybe it's just as well. With sex appeal as her only qualification, the only thing that ever dropped dead for Guerrero was her career.