And the Duck shall tell it all

By By Tony Krausz/assistant sports editor
April 3, 2004
With spring training wrapping up this weekend, we here at the Rants and Rambles offices couldn't think of a better time to preview the upcoming Major League season with quotes from the classic movie that's right we're talking about "Howard the Duck."
As always, we give credit to ESPN.com Page 2's Bill Simmons for leading all of us here at R&R on the path to finding movies to preview seasons to.
Before we get started, just a few words on "Howard the Duck." What a truly awful movie that no one will admit to watching.
The film, circa 1986, has all the makings for a great bad movie. Cheesy special effects, just a horrible premise, a leading female character that instantly falls in love with the lead oh, yeah did we mention the main character is a Duck! Wouldn't you just love to have been in the room when the movie studio bigwigs actually gave this sucker the green light?
Still, all that being said, it is the best live-action movie ever made about a duck.
Without further ado, here are things to look for in baseball this season with an assist from a movie about a talking duck. As always words not fit for a family newspaper will be replaced with (spork).
I wasn't trying anything honest.
This one goes out to Major League Baseball as a whole. It is for all of the big leaguers that will be denying and denying ever using steroids throughout the entire season. This one is not going away, folks, especially with Jose Canseco's tell-all book due to be hitting bookstores soon.
If I had some place to go I certainly wouldn't be in Cleveland.
To Indians shortstop Omar Vizquel, who quite frankly has to want to get as far away from the Indians as possible. Sure, he puts on a good face and talks about helping the young kids during the twilight of his career, but come on, he still has Gold Glove skill and he's stuck in Cleveland.
Can anybody else remember when the Indians were being talked about as possible World Series champions. At least Cleveland has one thing in common with the New York Yankees the two both lost a World Series to the Florida Marlins.
What I don't know is what the (spork) I'm doing here? It seems like a bad trip. Talk about an identity crisis.
To Ivan Rodriguez, the new catcher for the Detroit Tigers. From World Series champ to D-town, give Rodriguez about a month and 20 losses before he realizes how bad of a decision he made to go to the Tigers.
Listen everybody, I've just seen it; it's in there it's nothing hahaha never mind.
To Major League Baseball drug testing policy, it's kind of kind of like catching Leatherface at the start of the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" movie and just saying okay, that was bad, just don't do it again. You know Leatherface is going to keep on hacking until the end of the movie.
Now, do you know why you were sent to me? My continuing streak of bad luck.
To the Cubs, after finding out Mark Prior could be out until the All-Star break because of a hurt Achilles tendon. Chicago, you are cursed, and the Sports Illustrated cover with Kerry Woods isn't helping anything.
Space rabies! Richie, is that a real disease? I don't know, Ginger? I heard something about that on the news.
To Ken Griffey Jr. and the rumors that he would be leaving the Reds to return to the Mariners. Get used to the trade talks about this guy. When you break down at least three times a year for the past three seasons, your name is going to thrown around in trade talks at least once every two weeks.
My God, this relationship defies it defies all laws of nature. No it doesn't, this is not what you think. We're just very good friends.
To Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez, the two will be sharing the left side of the Yankees' infield this season. The two megastars of baseball have assured everybody that they are the best of friends.
But just wait until the New York press needs a story in mid-July and the Yankees have lost three or four straight something tells us Jeter and Rodriguez will not be depicted as bosom buddies then.
We weren't aware that the rest of you Howard landed in that alley just two miles away. Any questions? Yeah, where are my pants?
To Nomar Garciaparra, who, after almost being traded away from Rodriguez over the winter, still finds himself in Beantown and with the Red Sox.
Garciaparra, who will start the season on the disabled list, is in the final year of his contract, and after the treatment he got in the offseason, you have to think he will be asking for his pants and the way to the door at the end of the season.
It feels like something is inside me, gnawing at my guts. What's wrong with me? What did you have for lunch?
To Red Sox fans, who, even with a healthy Pedro Martinez and Curt Schilling in the pitching rotation and a offense returning intact, have to be feeling like disaster is just around the corner. It's what Boston does.
I told you birdbrain, I am not Jennings anymore. I am now one of the dark overlords of the universe. Dark overlord of the universe? That must be quite a responsibility.
To Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, the only person folks like to hate more than the Yankees in "The Boss." It must be tough.
I have disguised my true form, which would be considered hideous and revolting here. Lucky for the people eating.
To Barry Bonds, who has started his own Web site to show us his true nature. This can't be a good thing. Who really wants to get to know the real Barry Bonds?
There you have it, a few things to watch for this season thanks to the duck.