NYSE, SEC, HCEC and Martha Stewart

By By Robert St. John / food columnist
June 26, 2002
Robert St. John is the executive chef/owner of New South Restaurant Group, www.nsrg.com. His weekly food column appears in various newspapers throughout Mississippi and Louisiana. If you have any questions or comments he can be reached at robert@nsrg.com or (601) 264-0672.
Here's a Blue-Light Special: Martha Stewart is under investigation by the New York Stock Exchange.
Stewart, the celebrity caterer, cookbook author and K-Mart hawker, is also receiving document requests and trading-pattern inquiries from the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. Could the Securities and Exchange Commission be far behind?
They are all probing the billionaire businesswoman's astonishingly timely move to dump her shares in the troubled biotech firm ImClone. Not since the invention of the fuzzy toilet-seat cover has there been such outrage in the home design/cooking/entertaining/gardening/wedding/license-to-print-money industry.
Being a crack-investigative food journalist, I decided to delve further into this legend that is Martha Stewart domestic goddess and multimedia queen.
Her publicly traded company is called Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia. It seems "multi" media isn't all-encompassing enough for Ms. Stewart. No, Martha only deals in "omni" types of media. My first thought was that the "omni" might be a little over-the-top and braggadocios. Then I visited her Web site: www.marthaisomnipotent.com and I saw the light. Of course the light was gently beaming through a nice pair of hydrangea lacestitch curtains trimmed in antique-blue gingham, but it was light, nonetheless.
Martha Stewart's omniempire includes a newspaper advice column, radio talk show, syndicated TV show, magazine, Web site, cookbooks, party books, wedding books and thousands of retail products. She even pulls the occasional shift behind the checkout counter at K-Mart.
Upon closer inspection (read: 15 minutes searching the World Wide Web), I have come to the conclusion that the radical dictators and Middle-Eastern zealots who are trying to take over the world don't have a prayer. Martha Stewart has beaten them to it (more info at: www.marthaistakingovertheworld.com while you're there, check out the white sale!).
The planet Earth will soon be renamed Martha's Omniworld. As a matter of fact, if Martha would have teamed up with Wal-Mart instead of K-Mart, she could have already taken over the world. Look for the Martha Stewart Omni-Mart SuperCenter coming soon to a busy intersection near you.
This woman is a merchandising machine. Everything is for sale in Martha's Oz. Some of the essential can't-do-without products available at www.marthaismakingafortune.com are: Martha's Nut Sampler ($52), the Martha Stewart shovel ($54) the Martha Stewart pitchfork-I won't go for the obvious joke here-($66), and the Martha Stewart bat house ($48). Martha even sells a professional plant press.
Have you ever seen a PROFESSIONAL plant press? It smashes flowers and leaves between two pieces of wax paper. And you can have one in your home for the amazingly low everyday price of $159, the perfect accompaniment to the Martha Stewart bow saw and the Martha Stewart hose hanger.
But there is trouble in paradise and all that glitters is not gold lame trimmed in old-fashioned ivory chiffon. Concern that Stewart could be dirtied by the stock-dumping scandal sent shares of Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia in the omnitank (maybe Martha could've warned me about my WorldCom stock).
The NYSE, SEC and HCEC are hot on her trail. Martha is in omnitrouble and could be up the omnicreek without an omnipaddle and even headed to omniprison.
With that in mind, here is a sneak peak at a few items that will be available from the fall line at: www.marthasinthepokey.com:
Martha's jailhouse diary with details of hellish shifts in the prison laundry without the benefit of lavender-scented laundry detergent and thyme-and-heather laced fabric softener ($9.95).
The new fashion guide: "89 Tips on How to Look Stylish in Vertical Stripes and Work-crew Orange."
A colorful array of newly pressed license plates with embossed numbers trimmed in cymbidium orchids, lilacs and pink peonies ($32.95 each, $872.95 for residents of Mississippi).
The all-new Martha Stewart cookbook, "101 Creative Ways to Prepare Jailhouse Bologna" ($72.95).
A basket weave raspberry-lace wedding cake complete with a file hidden in the center of the toffee-mocha-flavored chocolate-ganache filling ($1,847.95).
The new coffee table book "Hosting a Spring Wedding in the Exercise Yard" ($127.95).
A 62-page color Martha Stewart Living omnilayout of the most impeccably decorated prison cell in the history of the New York penal system resplendent with Venetian-lace hemstitch curtains and fine imported linens from the Martha Stewart Rhododendron Collection. A single mattress adorned with the K-Mart wedding ring quilt and sham. And, of course, one of those fuzzy toilet-lid covers.
I hope Martha doesn't read Southern newspapers. I might get omnisued!
Lobster Risotto
3- 11/2 pound lobsters, cooked and cleaned (reserve meat for risotto use shells and bodies for stock)
3 tablespoons clarified butter
1/2 pound Aborio rice
1/2 cup shallots, chopped fine
1 quart hot lobster stock *
1 bay leaf
1 bunch asparagus, cut into 2 inch long pieces
3/4 cup whipping cream
1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated
2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped
1 tablespoon fresh thyme, chopped
In a large skillet, heat butter over medium-low heat, add shallots and cook until they become soft. Add rice and stir continually until rice gets hot.
Do not brown. Reduce heat to low and add 1 cup of stock and turn heat down so that the stock is just barely simmering. Continue to stir constantly. As the stock is absorbed by the rice, add more stock in small amounts. Continue this process until the grains have become slightly tender.
Just before adding last ladle of stock, add asparagus pieces and lobster meat. Add remaining stock and stir. Add cream, cheese, salt, pepper and herbs and cook until thickened about 4-5 minutes. Serve immediately.
Yield: 6 servings.