By Staff
Jan. 5, 2001
So here we are in the year 2001. Incredible!! When I was a kid, 2001 was a year you never imagined would really ever arrive. It was strictly a year you read about in science fiction. It was a year that was so distant, we all knew by the time it rolled around, either the planet would be controlled by evil computers who had the ability to think and feel real emotions, or by a superior race of talking monkeys. Personally, I had wagered my lunch money on the talking monkeys.
Instead, here we are in 2001, with the human race firmly in control of the planet. Computers still find themselves emotionless and are mainly used by humans to send dirty jokes to one another, while monkeys continue to throw their own excrement at each other.
Who's laughing now, you filthy apes?
Monkeys aside, there is no doubt that humankind is standing on the precipice overlooking the great abyss that is the future. And, as a modern day Nostradamus, I'm here to give everyone a little sneak preview of what the year 2001 holds in store for us.
(Small Print Disclaimer: These predictions are for entertainment purposes only, and you must be 18 years or older if you want to send me money in exchange for reading them. If you have ever thought about flushing your money down the toilet by calling that annoying Jamaican woman who uses the tarot cards in the commercial, consider sending your money to me instead. My predictions are just as accurate and I don't have an accent that makes you want to push a sharp stick into your ear.)
Now, on with my predictions
Okay, now that the legalities are out of the way, let's get on with some professional prognosticating. I predict that in the year 2001, millions of scooters will make their way into the back of a storage closet, never to be heard from again.
I predict that loud-mouth liberal egomaniacs Rosie O'Donnell, Barbra Streisand and Alec Baldwin will back down from their promise to leave the country after George W. Bush is sworn in as president of the United States. Soon after they break their promise, a petition will be started in an attempt to force them to leave. Unfortunately, this petition will fail.
However, in April, Congress will pass a law stating, "Any entertainer who would like to use their celebrity to advance their liberal propaganda will be required to work at a real job for real wages for one year. This way, severely overpaid, liberal blowhards, who feel guilty unless they give up half of their millions of dollars to the government, will at least have the slightest idea of what reality is for the citizens of America who have to work for a living."
In a sad but related note, later on in the year, Barbra Streisand meets an untimely demise when her bludgeoned body is found inside of her mansion. Actor James Brolin later admits to killing his significant other. In his confession, Mr. Brolin states, "I did it out of jealousy. I knew she would never love me as much as she loved herself." A "National Day of Tribute" is held, although Mr. Brolin is a reluctant honoree.
What about Hillary?
The year 2001 will be a big one for New York Sen. Hillary Clinton. In July, Sen. Clinton will be publicly admonished by her colleagues for asking them to genuflect before her and address her as "Former First Lady, Current Senator and Future President, Hillary Clinton." At home, she starts referring to her husband as "the old ball and chain." In September, she creates a scandal when she is seen leaving a party on the arm of the recently available national hero, James Brolin. By December, the National Enquirer has her romantically linked to the all five members of the boy band, N'Sync.
The big movie of 2001 will be "Castaway II." "Castaway II" will be an even bigger challenge for Oscar winner Tom Hanks. This time, not only is he stranded on a deserted island, he is also buried up to his neck in sand. That's right, the entire movie features nothing but Tom Hank's head, a few sand crabs and the incoming tide. The real surprise comes early the next year when Mr. Hank's head rolls up the aisle to pick up its first "solo" Oscar.
In the world of sports
The big story in sports during 2001 will be the new pro football league created by World Wide Wrestling guru Vince McMahon. Interest in the league soars when a bench-clearing brawl breaks out between the Camden Eye Gougers and the Utica Pile Drivers. During the brawl, the head linesman gets cold-cocked by a metal chair being swung by the Pile Drivers back-up Nose Guard, "The Iron Sheik." The fans go crazy. One year later, the NFL merges with the new football upstart and penalties are completely eliminated from the game.
Not the same-old, same-old in D.C.
Finally, I'm happy to announce that a new spirit of cooperation will overtake Washington. Democrats and Republicans will set aside their differences for the overall good of the nation. When the new Senate returns to work, Jesse Helms will greet Ted Kennedy with a warm and lingering embrace. Orrin Hatch and Dick Gephardt will get caught up in a lip-lock. And, Trent Lott will ask Hillary Clinton out to a movie.
Both Houses of Congress will decide to work on legislation that everyone can agree on. Unfortunately, they find legislation that meets this criteria is limited to a bill calling for a congressional pay raise. It passes unanimously.
Jim Cegielski lives in Laurel and writes a weekly column for The Meridian Star.