Year 2000: Musing on the year that was
Dec. 29, 2000
It can't possibly be 2001 already. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was loading case after case of canned creamed corn into my secret underground shelter in preparation for the big Y2K disaster.
This year passed so quickly, I'm quite sure that calendar makers are dropping entire months without telling the rest of us. Am I the only one who can't recall having an April or a June this year?
In any event, according to the new 21st century 10 month calendar, it is time for my annual "Year in Review" column. And what a year it was.
As previously mentioned, the year started with the big Y2K disaster. The world wide computer glitch came very close to causing the complete annihilation of mankind. Nuclear bombs were erroneously launched, planes fell from the sky (and not just those flown by celebrities), food distribution ceased, and mass hysteria, and chaos gripped the world. When it was over, all that was left was a vast wasteland and a few rogue mutants.
Fortunately, mankind is very resilient. By the time I emerged from my underground shelter in March, the entire planet had been rebuilt and population levels seem to have rebounded. It was almost like the Y2K disaster had never even happened.
However, I for one, will never forget those who perished and I certainly won't forget the three months that I spent down in that hole. It was hell. My wife and kids are still angry that the only food that I stockpiled was creamed corn. And yes, in hindsight, I can see why they were so upset with my large Folgers can latrine system.
Unfortunately, the Y2K disaster was not the only bad news to report from the year 2000. After hitting record highs in 1999, financial markets around the world plummeted, after it was discovered that the thousands of new technology companies were all working on exactly the same thing … how to download porn faster.
In other business news, Firestone came out with a new "exploding tire." Firestone's president explained the logic behind the newest innovation in driving. "We wanted to add excitement to the driving experience," he announced. "Most people find tires boring. However, our tests showed that when you are traveling down the highway at 70 mph and KABOOM, your tread comes flying off your back left tire, you are going to get a rush of adrenaline like you never had before. It's fun for the whole family, especially the survivors."
The year 2000 was a great one in the world of sports. The New York Yankees bought themselves their third consecutive World Series. Interestingly enough, during winter meetings, the other baseball team owners have decided to allow George Steinbrenner to purchase the rights to win the next 20 World Series directly from them. No games necessary.
The Atlanta Braves and New York Mets are currently in a bidding war for the rights to see which of them can claim second place. In a related matter, Major League Baseball will be changing its slogan to "Baseball: The Only Sport that is Losing Fans to Bowling."
In professional football, the St. Louis Rams defeated the Tennessee Titans in an exciting Superbowl that came down to the last play. In the off season, most professional football players returned to their homes where they spent their time on hobbies such as golf, murder, fishing, rape, and pillaging. The NFL is considering adopting a year round football season for the overall safety of the country.
It was an exciting year in the world of music. The biggest selling album of the year was brought to us by four young mop-top kids from Liverpool. I'm predicting huge things for this group which goes by the name "The Beatles." I'm not saying that they will be as big as N Sync or Brittany Spears, but I think if they keep practicing, they might just be able to reach Hanson levels of popularity.
The year 2000 also marked the domination of reality TV.
Of course, the biggest news of the year 2000 came out of the world of politics. After a spirited campaign, George W. Bush and Al Gore left their hopes for the presidency up to the American people.
Justice finally prevailed and George W. Bush will take over the presidency in 2001. Knowing who occupied the place before him, he may want to bring a scrub brush and a good disinfectant when he checks in at the White House.
Happy New Year!
Jim Cegielski writes weekly for The Meridian Star.