By Staff
As most of you know, I try very hard to avoid writing about any subjects that someone may find offensive or controversial. My top priority when it comes to writing this column is to make sure that everyone who reads it comes away with a warm, fuzzy, feeling.
With this in mind, I have had to shy away from certain controversial or distasteful subjects such as "Spontaneous Combustion," "The process used in removing a bull's testicles," "Barbara Streisand," "Breast-feeding in Public" and "Rap Music."
Another subject that I have tried to avoid, due to its controversial nature, is "Politics."
For example, if I was to say that "anybody who votes for Al Gore is a dumb-," some people are liable to get upset (most likely, the dumb- who plan to vote for Al Gore). This tendency to easily offend people by voicing any political view is exactly why I have steered clear of writing about politics.
However, since the presidential election is only a few days away, and the candidates are locked in such a tight race, I thought that I should try and present a fair, clear, and impartial view of what each candidate will bring to the presidency.
I hope this will help the undecided voter to make the right choice this Tuesday.
Let's start with "Moral Values." It is clear that both Al Gore and George W. Bush are good, decent men who have high moral values. The fact that Al Gore stood faithfully by President Clinton's side while the President turned the Oval Office into the back room of a strip club should not be taken as low morals but instead should be viewed as blind loyalty.
The sort of loyalty that one would find in Jack the Ripper's dog.
Vice President Gore's suspicious fundraising activities should be marked down as nothing more than a clerical error. The fact that Mr. Gore claimed to have "invented the Internet" doesn't mean that he is without moral values; it simply means that he is prone to say things in a drunken stupor.
If you are planning to vote for Al Gore, you should not let his little inconsistencies scare you away. Let's face it, any man who is willing to jam his tongue down Tipper's throat on national television simply to prove to America that he is a passionate family man is exactly the kind of man that we need in the White House.
George W. is the son of ex-President George and First Lady Barbara Bush. He is not involved in a fund raising scandal and he never claimed to invent something he didn't. George W. has never felt the need to stage a passionate moment with his wife for the television cameras, but even so, he seems to be a decent family man.
This is a hard call, but I'm going to give the slight edge on moral values to George W. Bush.
Now let's move on to "Domestic Policy." Again, the differences between the two candidates are very subtle. I guess the biggest difference is that Al Gore is a communist. Mr. Gore (short for Gorebachev) wants the government to be involved in all aspects of our lives.
If it were left up to Mr. Gore, the federal government would control education, health care, farming, television, personal hygiene, how many children you can have, your retirement money, and how often you change your underwear.
Mr. Gore is a champion of the underprivileged. If you are a welfare recipient, Gore is your man. He is a big believer in using the tax dollars from American families who have struggled to get ahead to pay for handouts to people who don't work.
Gore wants to pick and choose who gets a tax cut because he honestly believes that the most successful people in America should be giving almost half of their money to fund more government programs.
Although the similarities in the domestic policies of Al Gore and George W. Bush are striking, it is only fair to note that George W. is not a filthy communist. Mr. Bush wants less government, he trusts people with their own money, and he is offering a tax break to all Americans.
Choosing who your candidate is based on their domestic policy is very difficult. If you are a hard working American taxpayer, I am going to have to give the edge to George W. However, if you are a welfare recipient, drug dealer, unwed mother, or on death row, Al Gore is your slam-dunk winner.
Finally, we cannot forget about "Foreign Policy." Here we have some clear differences. To be quite honest, I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not but Al Gore has proposed that the four current branches (Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines) of the armed military services be replaced by the Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts, Brownies and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. According to Gore, "The Girl Scouts alone could take down Iraq and all the money we save on our military could go towards more welfare."
Other questionable areas in Gore's foreign policy include his proposal to "use nuclear weapons against Belgium," his wacky idea to replace "Presidents Day" with "Fidel Day," his insistence that foreign dignitaries refer to him as "Czar Gore" and his tendency to refer to Britain's Queen Elizabeth II as "Ye Olde Biddy."
George W. Bush's foreign policy is not as flashy. He wants a strong military and wants to work towards a stable Middle East. Which foreign policy program is better? Tough call I'm going to have to call this one a toss up.
As you can see, America has a tough choice come Tuesday. Both men are viable candidates, however, there are some major differences in their policies. I guess the bottom line is if you want a free, democratic, America, governed by a strong, yet decent man, vote George W. Bush. However, if you want to live under the rule of an insane, communist, dictator then Al Gore is your man.
Remember the choice is yours.
Jim Cegielski writes weekly for The Meridian Star.